As soon as I became a mother, I felt an immediate shift from being judged as a woman to being judged as a mother. I can’t explain what happened but I can tell you that I felt like a failure instantly. I don’t want to go into the long version of the story but the feeling of failure came from not being able to breastfeed immediately, Baby J constantly crying and various other little things.
Motherhood has taught me so much. The first lesson is that I will never judge other mothers again. Well, I think that I will judge those that are just plain stupid – I will judge you if you put your children in danger!! Please don’t be Michael Jackson and hang your child over a ledge and we will be okay. I am definitely not the mother that I thought that I would be. I thought that I would be in charge and set schedules and have this perfect child. Well, I love Baby J to pieces and he brings joy to my life every day, but he is not perfect. He is extremely demanding. When I say demanding, I mean it. I don’t go to the bathroom or do chores without him right by my side. And for all those naysayers out there who believe that he is spoiled, I invite you to live my life for a few hours and see what you think. I have tried tough love, I have tried lots of love and nothing has seemed to work. He wants to be with me 24/7. But that is mine to deal with as I see fit.
I think that as mothers we have a tendency to have strong feelings about different things. For instance, breastfeeding vs. formula feeding, cloth vs. disposable diapers, co-sleeping vs. crib and these are just a few topics that the boards on babycenter.com and others will discuss. I think, at the end of the day, that we all want the same thing – a healthy, happy child. And as mothers, we should band together rather than judge others. The saying, “walk in her shoes” exists for a reason and we should try to remember that!
boy can i identify with you! my first baby was exactly like that. demanding. and i felt like a failure. not just because she was demanding but because i felt so out of control. i felt like i had no parenting skills. i would see other moms out there and they seemed like they were in CHARGE of their kids – including how they behaved, their schedules, everything. and my kid just wasn’t like that. she had a mind of her own. she was (is) extremely passionate and wouldn’t let anyone else hold her. she wouldn’t sleep. and a million other things. i really felt like this was my fault and that i had made her difficult by something i did. parenthood just wasn’t what i imagined.
then 5 years later came baby number 2 and i realized that i’m no failure, i’m just a regular person. and that all those mothers i envied? they had babies like my baby number 2! because my son is the opposite of my daughter and he makes me look like an awesome mom. he’s just plain easy. and i didn’t do a thing to make him that way. so i’ve finally learned, after all this time, that i just don’t have control over some things and neither do those other moms (even though they totally believe they do because they’ve only had to deal with “easy” kids!!) but hey – i won’t judge those moms!!
Ditto the instant feeling like a failure. I have come to much the same conclusion about just letting things go, and accepting a lot more. I’ve also tried to be more “in the moment” with my son, and to try to see things from his perspective. HE doesn’t get why it’s harder for me to do anything with him stuck to me like glue; he just thinks of me as this wealth of information that he’s trying to absorb by watching/copying everything non-stop. HE doesn’t know that we’re in a rush to change his diaper, so getting super-frustrated that he wants to goof around is a waste, and ruins 10-20 seconds of fun we can have together before we press onward. HE doesn’t understand why I have to leave him at day care, so I try not to take it too personally when he flies off the handle as I leave. I KNOW he’s having fun the other 99% of the day! I do have to do tough love sometimes, and let him figure out how to deal with his emotions on his own, but if I can explain it to him, or redirect him with just a little effort, I usually do (or try). If people choose to think he is spoiled, that’s their problem. He’s not perfect, of course, but I think he’ll turn out just fine.
Thanks to all for the comments. I feel like I am a “normal” Mom now. I am not the only one dealing with a difficult child, yay! I feel like part of a group of Moms now that I know that others are going through the same things.